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Back when I did my Youtube-mp3.org rant in issue 14 I noted that if I had to pay 99p to access every record I'd reviewed that month it would cost me in excess of £100. The releases of this week and last week would collectively come to over £100 alone (37+58 reviews, but both weeks include an EP).

Gotta Get Up (Alex Clare)

Last week, we ended with an abrasive record; this week, we begin with one. Alex Clare has released Gotta Get Up this week, an angry track comprising of harsh guitars and drums put against Clare's wild vocals. The trouble with this is that it's not angry, or harsh, or in any way designed to let off steam; it's just loud, and it's horrible. No thank you.

Higher Love (Alex Vargas)

Alex Vargas' Higher Love, on the other hand, is a delightful track; lightweight synths and a sprinkling of guitar strumming across the verses but heavier synths on the choruses make for a thoroughly enjoyable four minutes. The piano from the third verse onwards is a fine touch indeed. My only qualm is the extended, near inaudible effects on the fade-out – though similar antics didn't stand in the way of Weeknd's False Alarm last week. I hope this charts.

Shot You Down (Alice Olivia)

In one of the most unremarkable records I have ever reviewed, Alice Olivia's Shot You Down plays like a horrific hotchpotch of all the records in the charts today, from the squeaky synths of DJ Snake to the heavy Home Counties accent of Anne-Marie to the learner-driver reggae-pop of Ariana Grande's Side to Side to a perfunctory piano line across the choruses that could fit just about bloody anywhere. It's even more confused than one of DJ Earworm's United State of Pop remixes, which are designed to cram in as many hits as possible in a short time, and the fact that I found the music on the LinkedIn advert YouTube made me watch before I could listen to this more interesting than this says it all.

Keep On Keeping On (Anna Pancaldi)

Anna Pancaldi has produced Keep On Keeping On this week, a somewhat top-heavy record; although the instrumental is fairly slight (it's mostly just the strum of a guitar with very occasional pockets of percussion), Pancaldi's vocals, while sweet, are at times inappropriately powerful, and overwhelm the record. What feels like massive 'holes' in the record where there is no actual music playing throws the record into bathos. With a stronger background, this could be good.

You Won't Know Where You Stand (Aquilo)

Delicious! Aquilo's You Won't Know Where You Stand is just a simple set of synths, a few guitar strums and the odd bit of percussion. It is a fairly pleasant record to listen to, though you can't help but feel you're being robbed because it ends shortly after the second chorus. What little of it exists, however, is amiable enough, and we hope to hear more.

Concrete Jungle (Au/Ra)

Mmm… Au/Ra has produced a rather relaxing record, Concrete Jungle. Instrumentation is provided by some of the lushest synthesisers I have heard in ages. Unfortunately, these then give way to comparatively menacing keys, and one of the most unseemly falsettos ever laid down. In addition, Concrete Jungle falls foul of the same thing Aquilo's You Won't Know Where You Stand does; knocking off early. In short, no chance.

Let Me Explain (Bryson Tiller)

Bryson Tiller has come out with Let Me Explain this week, and it's not a record I have much to say about – simply because there's not much of a record to speak about. Tiller sings over a beat which frankly sounds like it was formed on an old synthesiser with the beat knob broken and on its last legs that they were trying to 'get its death's worth', for want of a better expression. This is garbage.

Shaky Shaky (Daddy Yankee ft. Nicky Jam & Plan B)

Another week, another Spanish-language release. Nicky Jam and Plan B – the latter not to be confused with the bloke responsible for the #3 hit She Said – have jumped on a remix of Shaky Shaky by Daddy Yankee, and are much needed. As far as the original is concerned, I hope never to go through such an experience again; reggae-like guitar and tip-tap drums contain some of the most repetitive, childish lyrics ever recorded. The remix, on the other hand, rips out some of Yankee's vocals, and replaces it with a bit more variety, bringing fresh air into the release. Neither are particularly pleasant listens, mind.

The End (Daughter)

Daughter has released The End this week. It's an almost empty record that attempts suspense and swooping but descends into slush; the vocals on the record are too thin to make up for it, and the record plays like a poor man's Florence + The Machine (not Florence & The Machine as we have been misattributing them throughout the site). The second "this is the end" at the end feels like the singer's just been told they can't cover Skyfall by Adele, so she's quickly improvised some new lyrics. All in all, there is simply not enough to remain interesting for the entire record (of over five minutes! Good god…).

Feel My Heart (Beating) (David Pop)

Another Spaniard! This one, David Pop, sings in English, though, and has sung Feel My Heart (Beating) for his latest release. It is cluttered with keys and Pop's decidedly autotuned vocals; the net is many parts that are weaker as a whole. The moose-like synth Pop uses as a synth is shambolic, though the momentary use of more spicy drums in the middle would liven up the record up no end if was used throughout. Unlikely.

Mood Killah (Devyn Rose)

Oooh, I don't like this. Devyn Rose's new record, Mood Killah, combines her very, very niche vocals with a spooky instrumental, with the two going together like chalk and cheese; an admittedly basically competent instrumental is crawled all over by an arachnid-like vocal, and the result is truly an awful record by any standards. This is the sort of thing I imagine they play in Hell.

Swansea (Dusky ft. Gary Numan)

Dusky has teamed up with Gary Numan this week to produce Swansea. Actually, the instrumental was laid down first and then vocals were added, hence the dubious title. The instrumental has its moments; it's sufficiently tense when it needs to be, although during others it can feel incessant. That's when Numan comes into his own – his vocal livens up some of the more boring parts of the instrumental. However, he does wisely choose to leave some bits blank including the beginning, end and a large section in the middle, allowing both performers to shine. It's brilliant, it really is.

Garden (Emeli Sandé ft. Jay Electronica & Áine Zion)

Words can't describe how simple yet brilliant this song is, but we'll try. Whereas Swansea saunters through two verses and three choruses in its three choruses, Garden crams in three verses and four choruses from Emeli Sandé, one triple-decker rap verse from Jay Electronica and two extended verses of poetry from Áine Zion. There's nothing on the instrumental whatsoever – just a loop of what I'm guessing is wind and occasional pockets of drums. Simple! But brilliant – the sparse instrumental allows the three performers to blossom in their respective roles, and there's no other words for it; it's just a brilliant record. I just wish Electronica did away with the irritating effect at the end of his verse, though.

Hoodwinker (Enter Shikari)

Enter Shikari have released Hoodwinker this week, an angry, laboured hard rock track; the mix of screamed vocals and those sung at a sensible volume provides welcome texture to the record. A hole in the record where the rock calms down for a few seconds is the musical equivalent of the ham in a Boots ham sandwich; much needed, but there's not enough of it. This will certainly please die-hard fans of their stuff, but it won't please me.

Illegal (Fareoh ft. Katelyn Tarver)

Now this is refreshing. Fareoh has recruited Katelyn Tarver for his newest record, Illegal, and it's a slender set of synths with a sweet vocal on top of it complete with strings all over the choruses and drop; the result is delectable, and sufficiently relaxing enough to heal my ears after the preceding earbashing. Brilliant.

Freal Luv (Far East Movement & Marshmello, Chanyeol & Tinashe)

That's a co-incidence, I found myself raiding a freezer containing F'real milkshake in Asda in Roehampton just last week… Anyway, Far East Movement and Marshmello have roped in Chanyeol and Tinashe for their newest collaboration Freal Luv (short for for real love). Despite a fairly uninteresting introduction, the rest of the track is a fierce listen; with an upbeat instrumental but the texture of both singing and rapping from Tinashe and Chanyeol respectively, think a less panicked Never Forget You (MNEK & Zara Larsson). I suspect this may do the same as issue 11's Déjà Vu (Post Malone & Justin Bieber); pay the charts a quick visit but nothing long enough as to become troublesome.

Demagogue (Franz Ferdinand)

I had hoped never to have had to mention the man again since I joked that the Stone Roses' All For One's lyric "if we all join hands we'll make a wall" sounded like him back in issue 1, but this week, Franz Ferdinand have released Demagogue, the fifth of thirty tracks released as part of 30 Songs, 30 Days, an independent campaign created by "Artists for a Trump-free America", and the first from a set of Brits. It's a blistering condemnation lyrically, but instrumentally it sounds like a bunch of blokes down the pub showing off their prowess (or not) at various instruments they've just found in the basement to their oblivious new bandmates, and the net result is an unwieldy racket which once again proves the Anne-Marie maxim; if you're going to do it, do it right.

Skyline (Glades)

Having said that, at least that went somewhere. Skyline by Glades, as well as being committing the cardinal sin of being unsearchable, kicks off with a hysterical but ultimately meek sound like that of rhythmic defibrillation, but gives up very quickly and for most of the record sounds like it's dead, and might as well be, for it's dead to me. No chance.

Repair Repair (Grace Lightman)

A bizarre record this. Grace Lightman has come out with Repair Repair, a slow jam which, despite containing certain quirks which do nothing for me (like the bit at the beginning with a "phoned-in" effect like that on David McWilliams' The Days of Pearly Spencer" that feels best suited to a more upbeat second half) remains a succulent, 70s-like chunk of funk that is one of the very, very few records that would find a fade-out useful but nonetheless suffers from the same static downtempo K-Tel rerecordings of tracks from that era suffer from. Not bad though.

The Rains EP (Henry Jamison)

  1. Dallas Love Field
  2. Real Peach
  3. The Rains
  4. Through a Glass
  5. No One Told Me

Oh, nice! Henry Jamison has released The Rains EP this week. Dallas Love Field is a lazy track which sees Jamison regaling tales of the place, while Real Peach speeds up slightly though a wasted fade-out doesn't it. The title track, The Rains, loses itself in self-indulgent coos which ultimately are its undoing. Through a Glass was first released 12 September 2016, and is ultimately the most polished of the five. No One Told Me is a repetitive track, with most lines beginning "no one told me"; when high-quality songwriting is all you've got, don't throw it away. The overriding problem is that there's very little variety between tracks; it's largely Jamison and an acoustic guitar with the occasional complementary bit of percussion, which on its own is too monotonous to fill over fifteen minutes. All in all, not a bad introduction to a previously unheard of artist, but work needs being done.

Thinking About You (Hardwell ft. Jay Sean)

Fresh from his monumental misfire Make My Love Go (ft. Sean Paul), Jay Sean has jumped on to Hardwell's new single Thinking About You, a euphoric, sun-drenched track with several catchy hooks and an effortless 'cool' about the record, with the net being a track which surely belongs in the upper echelons of the charts.

Catch 22 (Illy ft. Anne-Marie)

Illy has released Catch 22 featuring Anne-Marie this week. It's a harsh track, not because it is loud, but because it is quiet; Anne-Marie's voice in particular overloads an entirely acoustic track of piano, drums and fuzz-guitar after each chorus and Illy's feels only slightly less out-of-place. It may have been worth omitting the first Anne-Marie vocal and going through to the rap.

I Live to Make You Smile (Jamie Lidell)

Jamie Lidell has released I Live to Make You Smile this week. It's a soulful record; though there's very little on it, the track is nonetheless a record which takes you back to the 1970s; at times it is reminiscent of Stevie Wonder in ballad form, though unfortunately during others you wish it would hurry up. A shame, really.

We Will Run (Jens Kuross)

Whoa! Jens Kuross has released We Will Run this week, a track in which it is very easy to lose yourself – chiefly because the song manages to be relaxing and disorientating at the same time, given which the vocals flow across them like a waterfall because they're almost constant throughout the record. The ending is so poorly put together you can actually hear a sound engineer walking across the studio to turn off a tape loop. No thank you.

You Are Free (Jimmy Eat World)

From a record which ends with a fade-out to record which begins with a fade-in, Jimmy Eat World has released their new record You Are Free. It's a chunky little thing, which despite using guitar and drums runs along fairly comfortably – not too angrily, not too calmly. By rock standards, this is very good.

Radio (Joe Fox)

Joe Fox has released Radio this week, and it's a portable one; due to its simplicity – just him and his guitar – he could set down anywhere and start playing it. (He was originally a homeless busker before turning up on A$AP Rocky's album.) This is the very embodiment of 'easy listening'; a great voice alongside a guitar strum makes for a very refreshing record indeed. Great stuff.

Find a Way (King Charles)

Not to be confused with either the two previous Kings of England or the next in line to the throne, this particular King Charles has this week released Find a Way, an upbeat track primarily revolving around a particularly juicy guitar strum with excited drums and Charles' wild vocals. This is actually a very pleasant record indeed, and I look forward to hearing more from him.

Taped Up Heart (KREAM ft. Clara Mae)

Not to be confused with the Eric Clapton vehicle Cream, KREAM has employed Clara Mae's vocals for his new single Taped Up Heart. It's a club-ready banger with swagger which manages the tricky task of being able to integrate the now-ubiquitous vocal chop made famous by Lean On (Major Lazer ft. MØ & DJ Snake) and yet remain sounding distinctive. I hope to see this on the charts.

Shout Out to My Ex (Little Mix)

Shout Out to My Ex came out on 16th October 2016 after their X Factor performance of it. A number of outlets have noted the track's lyrics to be a condemnation of bandmember Perrie's ex Zayn; this column does not comment on speculation, though it has to be said that some of the lyrics – presumably the ones sung by Perrie – are the sort of guttersnipe gossip you might hear being screamed down the phone by a woman with mental health problems who's just been told by her boyfriend of several hours that he no longer wishes to go out with her; the rest sound as though the singer would rather be doing something else. These have been plonked on top of some recalcitrant but ultimately unsatisfying verse and a chorus which it has to be said has been accused of borrowing from fellow girlband G.R.L.'s Ugly Heart (an accusation which came less than 24 hours after the Metro ran an article saying that The Script was preparing to sue Arthur over similarities between Say You Won't Let Go and their single The Man Who Can't Be Moved, about which I said in issue 11 that it contained "something unsettlingly familiar … that I can't quite put a finger on, like I've heard the chord progression in another record but I can't pick out where from"). If Zayn actually deserves it, let him have it.

Pulling Teeth (Lucius)

Good grief, this is disorientating. Not through being fluid like We Will Run above, but by using drums so powerful as to be breath-taking (literally); everything else follows it like a musical tail, and it feels like the rest of Pulling Teeth by Lucius is at times trying to record in spite of some obnoxious git in the corner doing his own thing despite instruction that his studio time has finished. That said, neither half is so much offensive as obstructive, and overall the record really isn't that bad.

Bad Things (Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello)

It's records like this that are why I always do a spot of Googling before each review; not only did I think I Know What You Did Last Summer by Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes went top ten (actually #42), I also thought Bad Things – Machine Gun Kelly and Cabello's newest – sampled Pachelbel's Canon rather than the Fastball tune "Out Of My Head" it actually samples. Cabello's delicate vocals provide a suitable sandwich for Machine Gun Kelly's angry rap; both suit the slow beat of the track to a tasty end. I wonder where this will end up in the chart?

Drug Dealer (Macklemore ft. Ariana DeBoo)

Disgusted by the number of outlets misattributing this record to "Macklemore & Ryan Lewis"; Drug Dealer only features Macklemore, with a chorus from Ariana DeBoo. Blokes dumping old mates for new women – nope, can't say I've ever fallen foul of that! Anyway, first released 11 October 2016, this record is a poignant diatribe directed at America's growing opioid addiction, and with its sweeping arrangement of just a piano, drums and strings, think a drugs version of Same Love. We hope it'll occupy similar chart territory.

Don't Wanna Know (Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar)

Maroon 5 released Don't Wanna Know with Kendrick Lamar on 11 October 2016. It's an interesting record; Maroon 5 have done away with their usual murky, dark soul, and replaced it with tropical beats including that from a marimba and handclaps. This is the second time Kendrick Lamar has featured on a record containing lead singer Adam Levine, and frankly we find his pint-size verses grating (though it sure beats the hell out of issue 14's Kanye West's three words!). We hope to see this on the charts soon.

Fear (Matilda)

Matilda has released Fear this week. The problem with it is that it sounds like most other Scandi-pop releases; sickly-sweet synths decorate strong vocals and collectively bury drums. And that's it! What is it with releases from that country that it can produce utter delights like ABBA and Zara Larsson (to which this has been compared since both she was a seventeen-year-old Swede when she had her first hit much like Matilda is today) yet also churn out boilerplate bunkum like this?

Didn't I (Max Pope)

Max Pope has recorded a cover of Darondo's Didn't I this week. The original is a product of its time; Darondo's soulful vocals don a bluesy guitar with spicks and specks of strings and bits of organ; lines of flute cut through the record like raspberries through dark chocolate for a delightful track indeed, although we wished it had stopped for a pause to let the flute flex properly like Frank Sinatra and Count Basie's My Kind of Girl. Pope, on the other hand, brings the tune right up to date with a relatively faithful cover largely consisting of Pope's voice, a funky guitar, organ and drums; it doesn't bother replacing the flute, which is a shame, but it's a small price to pay particularly in a record which doesn't need variety shoehorned in.

The Very Thought of You (Michael Bublé)

Michael Bublé has covered another forgotten classic this week, The Very Thought of You, with which both Tony Bennett and Natalie Cole have entered the charts but was first released by Ray Noble and his Orchestra featuring vocals from Al Bowlly. Of these, the most interesting of the three is Noble's version since it's piano based rather than entirely reliant on strings, though we accept that others may disagree. Although Bublé has covered it in the style of the other two, he's cut out a portion of the record, so it isn't quite as long, the strings on their own are not interesting enough to last even the shorter duration. No thank you.

Not Like Gold (Milly Roze)

Oh that's nice: You wait ages for a Rose, and then two turn up at once. (Well, not quite.) This one, Milly Roze, has released Not Like Gold, a cold, monotonous track which goes precisely nowhere in three minutes. As interesting as Roze's vocals are, it can't quite lift the record away from ennui; the net is not quite as excruciating as her namesake Devyn Rose, but boring nonetheless.

Crossroads (Nicky Romero & Navarra)

Nicky Romero has released Crossroads this week, a collaboration with Navarra which can be summed up in one word; "irritating". From the perfunctory near-acapella vocal at the beginning (which it has to be said simply isn't strong enough to be exposed so bare) to the shrill drop to it cutting out at the end of the second chorus, the whole record just comes across as, well, irritating. No thank you.

Sad Song (Parson James)

Well, what do you know. Maroon 5 have been out-Maroon 5ed by Parson James in his new record, Sad Song. James' admittedly quite high-pitched vocal suits this blue-eyed soul track down to the ground; it's an upbeat stomper that just so happens to include lyrics to the effect of "I'm alright without my ex", and the result is terrific. If I had one criticism, it's that I don't know why the second verse is preceded by two choruses, but otherwise this is an excellent track which far outstrips Little Mix's similarly subjected Shout Out to My Ex. I hope this will chart.

Waking Up Without You (Rhys Lewis)

Waking Up Without You is Rhys Lewis' newest record. It's an absolute false start; the track leads with and includes throughout a bluesy guitar riff, while the rest of the record can't deliver on the promises made and falls flat. It tries to be a bluesier Ed Sheeran, but ends up as a poor man's Ed Sheeran instead. A shame.

Back From the Dead (Riff Raff ft. Skepta)

Ah, given the incongruous rackets the shops in Sutton High Street have taken to playing of late it is refreshing to hear a record about a holiday other than Christmas. Riff Raff has produced a record, Back From the Dead, themed around Halloween and has roped in Skepta for a verse. The problem with the track lies in its vocals; sauntering singing from Riff Raff divest the record of any scariness, and neither Raff's rap verse nor Skepta's distinctly out-of-place rap verse add much to proceedings (a beat like this needs some sort of shot in the arm). Skepta's vocal, certainly, is best suited to something aggressive like Man earlier in the year.

Rain (Robin Stjernberg)

What is going on here – back in issue 13 I reviewed a new release from Norway's 2013 entry, and now Sweden's 2013 entry has a new record out called Rain. Stjernberg's fluid vocals and a set of synthesised horns liven up an otherwise bog-standard set of synths and drums which will have no chance here.

Deep (Robin Thicke ft. Nas)

Oh, now this is heart-breaking! Nas has contributed two fantastic verses condemning police brutality – the first freeform acapella and easily the best thing this column's ever had the pleasure of listening to – to one of the most negligible nonstarters of a record ever released. Robin Thicke seems to have reverted to Lost Without U mode for his new single Deep, first released 10 October 2016, is compiled of just a guitar and handclaps and lyrics as powerful as a porpoise; Nas' ballistic verses being wasted here is excruciating. It might be worth assembling a posse cut to channel his frustrations.

Read U Wrote U (RuPaul ft. The Cast of RuPaul's Drag Race: All Stars, Season 2)

Such as this one. RuPaul has collaborated with the final four contestants from season 2 of The Cast of RuPaul's Drag Race: All Stars (Alaska, Detox, Katya and Roxxxy Andrews) for a rap single. This column professes no knowledge of that show; that said, Read U Wrote U is a driving but derisive record at times. However, the chorus is a definite low point; given the freshness of the verses, repeating a phrase several times for a chorus simply won't do.

Now and Later (Sage the Gemini)

Oh, this is irritating. Sage the Gemini's sax-sporting Now and Later is a fresh track which by Sage's own admission was created through playing with melodies and cadences yet still works perfectly, and it's possibly the first track I've ever heard that's managed to successfully integrate the recorder into a song. My only moan is that it feels unfinished; as it fades out, it feels like it's about to go into an instrumental break, and while one would have been helpful before the third verse, fading it out during one makes it feel like they got halfway and couldn't be bothered. Otherwise, not bad.

Born Again (Saint Motel)

Saint Motel have released Born Again this week. As unenamoured as I am by the choral introduction, the rest of the track is an easy soft rock track that sounds like it came straight out of the 1970s; it has the feel of stuff Cat Stevens might have produced had he converted to Christianity instead (obviously excluding the expletive in verse three, can you imagine that). I just wish that the guitar added to the second half of the second and third choruses was extended into its own solo, though.

What Do You Love (SeeB ft. Jacob Banks)

From a record with Christian contents to a record that sounds Christian. What Do You Love is SeeB latest release featuring vocals from Mike Posner. It's a laboured release based primarily on organ strums first, synths and drums and second; the result is a record which perfectly complements Banks' soulful vocals (never thought I'd be saying that after Banks' trio of turkeys in August). I disagree with using a choir (which I might not have spotted had a Billboard article not pointed it out) and an effected vocal drop, for it is overkill.

D4L (Sevyn Streeter ft. The-Dream)

Good god, this is excruciating. Like Deep above, Sevyn Streeter's D4L begins with an acapella vocal; whereas that was powerful lyrically, this is powerful vocally, and can sound like the vocal equivalent of a pneumatic drill if you're not in the mood for it. The rest of the song is compiled of an admittedly fairly hypnotic beat, though The-Dream is perfunctory as featured artist. All in all, a poor effort.

People I Love (Sick Individuals ft. Stevie Appleton)

Sick Individuals has released People I Love featuring vocals from Stevie Appleton. It's a slow slab of EDM; the verses provide Appleton with plenty of space for his vocals, but unfortunately his vocals aren't quite enough to make up for a particularly weak drop; layering the vocals would have lifted the track up a bit. As it stands, this falls just a bit flat.

No More Water (SOULS)

Not to be confused with 99 Souls, who as far as I can tell haven't done much since The Girl is Mine, SOULS have released their new single No More Water. It's a blues rock track, complete with a couple of guitar solos, though we wish they rocked out a bit more, and a deep vocal not dissimilar to those of classic blues artists (we were reminded of John Lee Hooker). Overall, excellent.

Good Life (Sweet California)

You know, I honestly thought Sweet California was going to be a progressive rock troupe. It's not ‐ it's a Spanish girl group which recently had one of its members replaced – but it is a Spanish girl group which has produced an easy-going, tropical track which evokes the laid-back feel of summer. We'd rather listen to this than Shout Out to My Ex any day.

Mannequin in Heat (Teachers)

Oooh, yes! Teachers have come out with Mannequin in Heat this week. An admittedly unexciting introduction eventually gives way to a deliciously funky track complete with cowbells, bass guitar and drums (though for a great deal of the record you'd have to listen carefully to hear the latter) with some weird but enticing synth effect across the record and vocals. My only criticism is that it contains far too many massive gaps all over the place; that said, when listened to on loop, you can't actually tell that it's ended because the track contains sufficiently little whitespace that many listens feel like one.

Love (Tom Speight)

Tom Speight has released Love this week. It's a slight track which slowly snowballs from a single guitar into a plethora of guitars into a guitar solo to great effect; Speight's vocal is the rich, hearty bolognaise to the instrumental's spaghetti. I do wish it was a bit longer at the end. This is the title track to his new EP due 28 October 2016

True Disaster (Tove Lo)

Also out 28 October 2016 is Tove Lo's album, the disturbingly titled Lady Wood, from which she has released True Disaster, a blatant filler track with lyrics one might get out of a budget phone sex line (not that I've used one, thank you) and synths about as exciting as a can of Mean Beanz; one as far as I can tell is no longer sold in the UK, the other should never have been put on sale in the first place. This is true disaster by name, true disaster by nature.

All Night (Vamps ft. Matoma)

As far as I am aware, this is the first time I have reviewed a record with the same name as another record previously reviewed; in this case Crystal Fighters' All Night. There's a first time for everything – in very much the same way as I hope that there is a last time for everything, because for their newest release All Night, the Vamps have stripped away their excellent power pop/pop rock sound and replaced with some flimsy beats courtesy of Matoma consisting of sparse synths and attempts at a tropical sound which collectively sound like an impoverishment of cheese grated across a pavement. Matoma's sound might well have worked for the heart-tugging False Alarm with Becky Hill's strong vocals, but here it sounds limp and useless. No thank you.

On Your Side (Veronicas)

The Veronicas have released On Your Side this week. It's a bouncy track which is a hearty halfway house between the banging venom of Untouched and the insipid tripe of You Ruin Me, with lashings of euphoric synths and delicious vocals leaving this record a high-quality chunk of EDM. Their previous single, In My Blood, failed to make the charts in this country (despite dislodging Drake's One Dance from the top spot in Australia); will this succeed?

Bring Them All/Holy Grime (Wiley/Devlin)

Oh dear! Back in issue 12 I described Wiley's Can't Go Wrong as having "the feel of a middle-aged man teaching his son how to rap"; in his new record, Bring Them All/Holy Grime ft. Devlin, it feels like he's actually brought him on because Devlin's flow is so clumsy – and bizarrely so, since he's been rapping for the best part of ten years. Despite a comparatively boring introduction, Wiley brings his usual fire to the track, and him and Devlin alternate two verses. Powerful stuff – not quite as powerful as Deep above, but powerful enough.

Your Hand Holding Mine (Yellow Days)

Yellow Days released Your Hand Holding Mine on 12 October 2016. Frankly, this is the very embodiment of boring; it's as though the snail's-pace guitar strumming is someone who was brain damaged by an attack and the vocals are the correctional officer trying to get the attacker drums to apologise to his/her victim. It's a horrible piece; we listen to these records, so you don't have to.

Other notes

Apologies: Issue 9 has for the last couple of months said that the Weeknd had a hit with "Can't Find My Face", when the record is actually called Can't Feel My Face. We do not apologise for calling MNEK a "killer queen", as it is not, as one person who contacted us put, "execrable homophobia"; we were not aware of MNEK's homosexuality, but we were aware of the fact that Killer Queen is one of Queen's first hits.

Charts

New peak/previous peak Floundering Absent
Say You Won't Let Go (James Arthur, #1)
The Greatest (Sia ft. Kendrick Lamar, #5)
24K Magic (Bruno Mars, #9)
Ain't My Fault (Zara Larsson, #13)
Starving (Hailee Steinfeld ft. Grey & Zedd, #17)
Hurts (Emeli Sandé, #22)
Blow Your Mind (Mwah) (Dua Lipa, #30)
Mercy (Shawn Mendes, #42)
Love On Me (Galantis & Hook N Sling, #44)
Million Reasons (Lady Gaga, #48)
Grow Up (Olly Murs, #52)
Would I Lie To You? (John Gibbons, #69)
Love Me Now (John Legend, #75)
Send Them Off! (Bastille, re-entry, #81)
Closer (Chainsmokers ft. Halsey, #2)
Starboy (Weeknd ft. Daft Punk, #3)
My Way (Calvin Harris, #6)
Cold Water (Major Lazer ft. Justin Bieber & MØ, #8)
In the Name of Love (Martin Garrix, #11)
This Town (Niall Horan, #12)
Still Falling For You (Ellie Goulding, #15)
Ain't Giving Up (Craig David & Sigala, #25)
Can't Stop the Feeling (Justin Timberlake, #28)
All We Know (Chainsmokers ft. Phoebe Ryan, #31)
You Don't Know Love (Olly Murs, #35)
Cool Girl (Tove Lo, #53)
Perfect Illusion (Lady Gaga, #78)
Who Do You Think Of (M.O, #84)
Kids (OneRepublic, #92)
Waste a Moment (Kings of Leon, #96)
On What You're On (Busted)
False Alarm (Weeknd)
Famous (Nathan Sykes)
Meteorite (Years & Years)
Body Moves (DNCE)

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